Why am I doing this?

As I am sitting here trying to be witty and think of marvelous things to say. I question whether or not I should even start this "blog" thing. Do I need more things to feel guilty about in my life? Is this really going to be useful and therapeutic? I hope so. I just need an outlet to vent, brag, ponder. I just need to be able to use my craft that has long been forgotten about and be creative. Speaking of creative - did you know how long it took me to try and think of a screen name? Hmmmm that troubles me. I could not come up with anything unique. I have been thinking about laundry and vegetables so long that I forgot where my creativity is hiding. Oh yes it is in the yellow clothes hampers with the underwear.

I am absolutely sure that no one wants to read the ramblings of an exhausted mommy. There are way too many of us out there for this to be interesting or in any way unique. All I am doing is writing down my life so that I can make some sense of it. Don't get me wrong - I have a perfect life. I am the Mom to Marissa who is just 5 and Julia who is 2.5. They are unbelievable and I am amazaed every day that I have been blessed with being their mother. But unfortunately I don't have much time for feeling blessed. I need to multi task alot and throw in a load of laundry, while I wipe up the spilled bubbles and oh no Julia is potty trainnig and didn't make it to the toilet...now there is another puddle to wipe up. But oh yes I am blessed. I usually try and find 5 things I am grateful for and I say them just before I go to bed each night. I am usually so tired that I fall asleep before I finish my list.

Now back to my perfect life. I realy technically have nothing to complain about. I have great kids, a husband who is my soul mate on most days, a very tight family who support me in all I do. I have friends galore who I miss terribly since we all had kids and have less time for each other. So what is the problem? Why do I sound so sucky?

I just miss the lazy Sunday afternoons of lying on the couch with a book or cuddling with my husband. I miss deciding to go for a coffee with a friend at a moment's notice. I miss being able to stay up late and sleep in late. I miss the feeling of not feeling guilty about almost everything. I feel guilty that the kids are always tired and never eat enough healthy things. I feel guilty that after work when I am tired I yell at them when I shouldn't. I feel guilty because there are nights I encourage my husband to go out and play soccer so I can be alone and go to bed early without feeling guilty.

Are you shaking your head yet? Do you think I shoudl get a live-in therapist? My husband thinks I am "high maintenance" because I complain about my workload so much. Of course i am usually standing in the kitchen washing dishes while he is dozing on the couch. No wonder he can't relate.

I was bopping along my life with a husband and I really truly thought we had an equal partnership. I actually made more money than he did and we seemed to split everything down the middle. And then came the kids...

All of a sudden I am responsible for the kids, the family life, the house, working full-time and oh yeah there is supposed to be some sort of quality of life in there. Never mind thriving...I am just surviving.

Do I sound crazy? I don't mean to be. I just don't understand where things went off the rails. I have a full time job that keeps me hopping all day as senior manager. I have two kids who certailny keep me hopping the rest of the time. So when I stop running around I just want to curl up in the fetal position.